You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have

I really want to take engagement pics, but we can't really afford it. And this makes me sad

So my mom wrote my dad a letter a little while back, and asked him "why?" He sent it to me, and I have to send it to my mom, my aunt, some guy he writes, and anyone else who wants to read it. Anyways, his "answer" went on for about 14 pages!! Well, not really his answer. He spent the first 10 pages explaining how people have different views about things, and how what one person feels may not be the same as another person...blah blah freakin blah!!!! omg!! i read it thinking..."oh my goodness, get to the freaking point!!" and then when he did actually "answer" it was only like a page and a half...and that is the portion I am going to share here with you. I warn you that this can be somewhat shocking for people. And if you don't want to read it, just stop here.

For me, it is a perversion of love. It is like an addiction. That physical pleasure is a rush that is chased. Without going into excess details, it started for me when I was 16. I started having "anonymous" sex with men and it was always called "making love." I think deep down I knew it wasn't love, but it felt so good. For those few minutes, I would forget the world, the pain, the hate, and just "love." Soon I would discover the bigger rush or "turn on" of giving the pleasure. I'm not sure why that was bigger. The only thing I can think of is that it was a control thing. I was in control of what another person felt and at the same time I got even more pleasure. On a quick tangent: I am not attracted to men. Most people don't believe that. Nevertheless, it is the truth. I have no desire to look at men dressed or undressed. I am attracted to women. So, why the route I took? I think it comes down to cowardice. I never had to see a face or worry about rejection. We both knew we were there for the same reason. Relationships are a lot of work and I didn't want work. I wanted pleasure and I wanted it now. At some point, I became a little more honest with myself. I knew that what I was doing was just pleasure, not love. I would stay away from those places for a while, and then "binge." I would literally ache with the desire for "real" love. But, I couldn't seem to find it and the old way was easy and a sure bet. When I did finally experience sex with a woman I found the same "pleasure" and "rush." But it was tied to a relationship and that was a lot of work. It doesn't seem like work though when both are involved in it together. I think that partnership is "real" love, but I'm still not sure. How does this relate to molesting a child? ultimately it comes down to the cowardice, control, pleasure triangle. But no one says to himself, "Well I'm a coward and I want to be in control so I can get pleasure." No, he comes up with rationalizations to make the wrong choice seem right. For me it went generally like this: I love him, he loves me, I want him to "feel" my love, since he loves me he would want me to "feel" loved, he doesn't know what to do, so I'll just take control. Again it comes down to a perversion of love.

So yeah, that's his "answer." After reading it, I know for sure that he belongs where he is. I mean, I knew that he did, but this just confirms it. He is sick and i seriously think there's something wrong in his head. Oh, and I'm tired of him making me feel guilty. He keeps writing me, asking me when I'm gonna come see him next, and asking why I haven't written...well because I've been soo busy with school and work lately, I haven't had much time to do much of anything else. And if I do have free time, I spend it relaxing. So i'm done feeling guilty. he should be grateful that i write him or even see him. Jonathan said that to me. And he's right. I dont have to have anything to do with him, but I do. And after you people read this, you're probably wondering why. Honestly, I dont' know. Sometimes I wish I could just stop writing, but I get such a guilty feeling that would eat away at me like it is now. Ugh! he disgusts me.

Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2....i HATE you

are Do It Yourself things really cheaper for a wedding?? any thoughts?

So i feel like i'm failing. Jonathan and I literally have no food in the house...with the exception of about 3 packages of Ramen. Rent is due tomorrow, and we have so many bills to pay in these next two weeks. I just called my mom and had to ask her to transfer money out of my savings so we could pay for things. I never thought I would have to deal with this kind of thing. It's so hard. I look at the people that have everything handed to them and yet they still find things to complain about. Try putting yourself in someone's shoes that doesn't have everything handed to them. I dont like worrying about money. And i know that this is part of growing up. I know this is part of finally becoming an adult. But it is so hard. And i don't like crying over the fact that all my bills are due and I dont have the money to pay them. I dont even want to think about what planning a wedding is going to cost. I just want everything to go away. I want to go away.

so a girl that i work with had this pic taken at work last night and then posted it on facebook. this picture has just made me realize how fat i have gotten and how disgusting i look. Seeing this pic makes me feel absolutely horrible about myself and I'm trying really hard to hold back the tears. how did i let myself get this way??

I've been thinking about Justin a lot lately. The other night when I was driving home, the thought popped into my head to call him. I haven't had that thought in a long time. And then I realized that I can't call him. That I can't call him ever again, and I started to cry. It's almost been 2 years, and I still can't believe he is gone. About 2 months before Justin died, he asked me to move in with him, and I told him no. I wonder if he would still be here today if I had said yes. Or if instead, I would have been the one to find him dead instead of my mom. I know that the image of finding my brother dead is one that will haunt my mom for the rest of her life. I've never set foot in the condo after he was found. My mom has been there a few times. A few days after he died, my whole family went over there to clean the place up. I tried to walk in with my older brothers, but I couldn't do it. I could smell it. The smell of death. And i broke down at the door and sat outside and cried. My mom told me that I didn't have to go in. It scares me. And I know that if I ever set foot in there, I would break down and I don't want to do that.

I've talked to people at work about Justin. And I try to be nonchalant about it and shrug it off as if I'm doing okay. but deep down, it kills me to tell people that my brother is dead. I'm not ashamed to tell people how he died. It was a problem he had since high school. It was a problem that couldn't be helped, because a person has to want help in order to get it. It's just hard to say the words out loud, "My brother is dead." It breaks my heart. But i don't talk about the hurt to anyone. I only talk about the memories that make me laugh. I don't tell people how sad I am and how often I cry over losing him. He's supposed to still be here. He's supposed to see me walk down the aisle. He's supposed to dance with me at my wedding. He's supposed to meet all his nieces and nephews. He's supposed to be alive.

I miss him everyday. I'm heartbroken...but I think I hide it well.

this is the video telling my brother's story. About two months before his one year anniversary this past February, my mom was interviewed by our local newspaper, and not only did they publish an article, but they made a video as well. I encourage you to watch this if you're at all interested. Just click below where it says "RIP JUSTIN"

RIP JUSTIN

Josh's pumpkin last year for Justin